When I had this enlighten the load idea I thought it was interesting. Induce some self-awareness by “contrasting the realities of hiking the Appalachian Trail at age 26 vs. limping through divorce at age 38.” Could be some useful juice there.

As I continued checking in on the idea, it kept sticking, and before long I didn’t need to check in on it anymore because it started checking in on me…and it didn’t just stick, it grew. So it seemed that maybe I was on to something…and maybe it was worth writing down…to see where it might go. So I did..and it got juicy, but…

Says The Wiser Amuser:
Sometimes not knowing what you’re getting into
Will give you the chance to get through
What you wouldn’t if you only knew
All the crap it’ll make you do.

Man-oh-man have I been forced through some crap.

Destination: enlightenment, or some form of it at least, initially to overcome my despair, but ultimately to raise the quality of my character and life experience. I’m in the middle of it all now looking intently and deeply into the following domains:

• Self Care
• Time
• Space
• Money
• Relationship

Will share more on each of those areas in future posts.

So far it is has been a godsend that my stronger tendency toward optimism blinded me from some of the realities I would encounter on this path, because it is running my entire being through a grinder. It works me to tears at times and I don’t shed those easily. I am, however, experiencing the magic that keeps one attentive, engaged, and committed to such things.

The path started with awareness. Plain and simple it would seem, but when you’ve employed denial as a primary survival tool for so many years, you might be astonished at the habits and patterns that need breaking. I’m not proud to admit that that’s been the case for me, but looking back I can see how denial kept me moving when I knew I was lost. I’ve come out of that and there’s no going back, but it’s still only a beginning.

The difference is that I can no longer pretend that everything will just work out. And it’s painful to face and have to fix the realities either I unconsciously created or allowed someone else to create. The areas that most need my attention are getting it, but I’m still trudging through the thickness of the slow, rocky tunnel.

With awareness comes pain, but also a sense of empowerment. Onward.

I’ve been working on a public speaking topic recently and I’m finding the idea of speaking in public both exciting and terrifying. Exciting because who wouldn’t want to hear what I have to say about what I think about while I’m walking about? Terrifying because what if the answer is no one? And what if that old recurring nightmare of ‘being on stage in front of an important audience to deliver a mind-altering masterpiece only to realize that I forgot to dress myself and have nothing of value to say‘ comes true?

But it’s just something I’m thinking about right now so I happen to be very well-dressed and properly prepared, and my audience is particularly ideal: smart, attentive, easily amused, and very attractive.

All is well, but still, I’m a little nervous, so I’m working on becoming more comfortable.

Doing a little research this morning I came across an old de-jitterbugging tactic. It suggests you imagine that your audience is naked and, therefore, more uncomfortable than you. So I give this a little projection and I start my speech and all is going well until I begin to realize a potential problem: a room full of naked people and my tendency toward A.D.D.

Now I say tendency because I only experience about 80% of the common symptoms of A.D.D. A psychologist friend recently informed me that if I exhibited the other 20% it would mean that I am also bipolar, but those PhD-types, always diagnosing and coming up with wacky stuff like that because they’d be jobless if everybody was normal like me.

Anyway, the great thing about A.D.D. is that it consistently directs your mind to the coolest and most interesting places, which can make for a very rich life experience. There’s another side of A.D.D., though, that can be less beneficial if hey did I mention that the people in my audience are really attractive? Women and men both: attractive, naked, intelligent and very much into what I have to say. Several approach me after my speech, in fact, to exchange contact information. Seems they want to join me for a hike sometime…then hang out and drink wine to, you know, take the conversation deeper and to learn more about what I think about. Pretty cool.

(I love you, too. All of you, I do.)

I should get back to working on that speech topic.