When I had this enlighten the load idea I figured it would be an interesting experiment to induce a little self-awareness by “contrasting the realities of hiking the Appalachian Trail at age 26 vs. limping through divorce at age 38.” Induce some useful juice…

As I continued checking in on the idea, it kept sticking, and before long I didn’t need to check in on it anymore because it started checking in on me…and it didn’t just stick, it grew. So it seemed that maybe I was on to something…and maybe it was worth writing down to see where it might go. So I did..and it indeed got juicy, but…

Says The Wiser Amuser:
Sometimes not knowing what you’re getting into
Will give you the chance to get through
What you wouldn’t if you only knew
All the crap it’ll make you do.

Man-oh-man have I been forced through some crap.

Destination: enlightenment, or some form of it at least, initially to overcome my despair, but ultimately to raise the quality of my character and life experience. I’m in the middle of it all now looking intently and deeply into the following domains:

• Self Care
• Time
• Space
• Money
• Relationship

Will share more on each of those areas in future posts.

So far it is has been a godsend that my stronger tendency toward optimism blinded me from some of the realities I would encounter on this path, because it is running my entire being through a grinder. It works me to tears at times and I don’t shed those easily. I am, however, experiencing the magic that keeps one attentive, engaged, and committed to such things.

The path started with awareness. Plain and simple it would seem, but when you’ve employed denial as a primary survival tool for so many years, you might be astonished at the habits and patterns that need breaking. I’m not proud to admit that that’s been the case for me, but looking back I can see how denial kept me moving when I knew I was lost. I’ve come out of that and there’s no going back, but it’s still only a beginning.

The difference is that I can no longer pretend that everything will just work out. And it’s painful to face and have to fix the realities that I either unconsciously created or allowed someone else to create. The areas that most need my attention are getting it, but I’m still trudging through the thickness of the slow, rocky tunnel.

With awareness comes pain, but also a sense of empowerment. Onward.