April 20, 1997 (Day 32 – milepoint 316.8 – Campsite at Low Gap)

One month down, about 5 to go.

Nice weather today, about 60 degrees or so. Went a little over 20 miles and feeling strong. Hiked the last hour after dark, but an almost full-moon allowed me to walk a little further and I was able to set up my tent without using my headlamp. This is only my third night totally by myself. It’s very quiet.

Aquaholic

April 20, 2009

Hey Aquaholic,

I’ve been hell bent on this idea of “rediscovering my freedom,” but in some ways I feel the very act of seeking it is keeping me from finding it. I have a vision of some undefined moment in the future when the fog and the noise has cleared and I’m just sitting there with a tear of relief and contentment keeping me comfortable. I hope that moment is not too far in the future. Sometimes it feels like an eternity away.

To be completely honest, I’m confused and cluttered right now. I don’t know how anybody works their way through this much stress and heartache. My problems are affecting the people who care about me, the people who are reaching out to help me. I don’t have much to show them yet for their efforts and it is killing me.

“Get your divorce finalized…get a job any job…get a meaningful job…make sure you’re taking good care of your kids…get your finances in order…avoid bankruptcy and foreclosure at all costs and save your credit…or don’t because good credit is overrated… your employer screwed you on unemployment benefits, you should be pissed…don’t let your wife trigger your emotions…find a place to live…write proposals…network…always be ready with a clear, solid elevator pitch about who you are and what you do…read more…do more…take more action…don’t take no for an answer…”

Here’s my elevator pitch right now: I don’t know my ass from a hole in the wall. I deflect pity and criticism all day long. My future goal is to get through an entire day without feeling a deep pit in my stomach and a thick lump in my throat.

Pretty pathetic, huh? I understand what drives some people to drugs and alcohol. Some days it feels like there is just no other way to cope.

O’